Luck of the Irish!

:) Well SORRRRY! I do get pretty busy ya know! :) At work and only have time to drop y'all a line or two. :) no one loves me enough to read what I write anyway. :) lol...
ok - so whats new with me- well, this sunday I am going to church for the first time in a really, really long time. The last time I was in church, I was there to take pictures for a wedding! It has been a long time since I've voluntarily stepped foot inside a house of worship. I am afraid that I may burst into flames! When I pick up my Bible every field day to clean my dresser I feel like I am defiling it somehow! Ya know, I was talking to someone just the other day about how, no matter what the bad things were that you have done or how bad you think they are, God still loves you regardless and forgives you if only you ask! Hm.... isn't it so easy to give others advice and yet, it's so hard to take it? One of the reasons being, to you, whatever the bad things were that you had done, someone else may not see it as bad. Although to you, it feels like the end of the world. To each his own, ya know? And although I know it in my heart and my common sense tells me that the Lord will forgive me if only I ask Him (and mean it), it is just so hard to ask for it, because you know how very unworthy you are of it. It's like stabbing a great friend in the back with a giant butcher knife and then asking them to forgive you, knowing darn well that they will hug YOU to make YOU feel better! His mercy, garce and love are unimaginable sometimes! But you KNOW in your heart of hearts that He is there, waiting, just waiting for you to ask. The story in Matthew 14:22-33 (Jesus Walks on Water) is a great example of God waiting on us to ask for His help. Jesus knew Peter would start to waiver; He knew because we all waiver from time to time and lose focus and track of what we were doing, or where we were going. And He was waiting, just waiting on Peter to ask Him for help. And, as soon as Peter cried out, the Lord was there to help him back up, to show him that even tho he lost faith, He was still there, waiting to guide him back to safety. This is my favorite Biblical story. It got me through boot camp and I used this story every night to encourage the girls in my platoon, showing them that life is not impossible, and that the Lord is very forgiving, no matter what you have done. See? I KNOW the Lord forgives, and I have seen his grace and mercy personally, in my own life, but, for some reason, I can not seem to show myself this. I still feel like I don't even deserve to think to ask to be forgiven. Sure, maybe the things I think are horrible, someone else would think "you're upset over THAT?!?!", but, to me, it is bad enough. But, (Sigh*) the Lord does not put upon us anything that he does not believe that we cannot handle. So, why do I feel like if I look into the mirror, I will see right thru me? Because right now, I look into the mirror everyday, and I don't recognize who I see. I have painted on so many masks to hide behind and to put up a happy front for everyone else, that I just don't recognize the person I see anymore. I look at old pictures, of before, when I was at home, in the youth group, going to church like 4 times a week, when I was really living my life thru Christ, and I see this truely happy person. And I miss that person so badly I ache for her! The one who was going to go to IWU to study History and Religion! And I know, that, I will never again be that person. I have shaped, and changed. I may be stronger one day, but now, I just don't feel like I will ever reach that point again. And, I have come to the realization that, I can never ask someone to love, or even like me, if I do not love or like myself. Sigh* Guess it will be hard to make friends these days, huh? ;) And, I am honestly afraid to go to Church on Sunday. Becasue I am afraid to face what I have been trying to hide from. I don't want to face the things I've done. Because I know that when I step in there, my paint will peel off, and everyone will see right thru my facade. And then I will have to face myself, and, God. I don't want to feel that vulnerable around so many ppl I don't know. I don't want to feel vulnerable. But, we will see on sunday. I promised one of the Lt's that Cooper and I would go; we were s'posed to go last week, but never made it. Everything happens according to His plan, and in His time ( Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11).
BTW, did I ever tell you all that I am part Irish?! :) I just found out a few weeks ago! Actually at that wedding that I was tellingyou all about! ( I was the OFFICIAL Photographer! ) Woo Hoo! :) Haha.. it was really cool tho that he asked me. I was very honored. Well, at the dinner I got to talking to Chaplain Johnson, and he mentioned that Fail was Irish. So that weekend I was talking to the owner/manager at Molly Malones (who is from Ireland!) And he told me it derives from McPhail! And that the name probably got messed up at Ellis Island; someone may have written down Mac as a first name and Phail (or, Fail) as the last name. So, if anyone by chance has info on it, lemme know! :) Lol! Someone who is better at genealogy than I am! :)
Well,work is about over for the night (it's 0300, earliest night this week!) but I need to go home to field day my room! They inspect around 8! I need to get up early and get my nails done for the Marine Corps Ball coming up soon! and on Friday I'm going to get low-light done and get my hair chopped shorter! :) And get my stitches out! :) Ewwwww... :S So, muah! :) And until next time..
*Hebrews 11:1