I'll Be Seeing You - Billie Holiday

Well, as I am sure you can guess by now, I am not in the greatest of moods. :( I'm sorry to show it. But, hey, honesty is the best policy, right? Do you know, that most of the time, when we are truely honest with other ppl, we end up hurting their feelings? Sigh*, well, I am a master at this as of lately. :S But, ya know what, growing up, my mother was never very good at beating around the bush or sugar coating things. She just said things as they were and the other person took it for what it was. A child will do the same thing when telling an adult the truth. They are brutally honest about it. And the truth really is a brutal thing. It is never really what you wanna hear. Most ppl expect for you to tell them what they want to hear in order to comfort them in some way. But, by just telling ppl what they want to hear, and not the truth, you are really doing them an injustice. You are giving them hope in something that can never be. But, I guess I am not one to talk, really. Sometimes, hoping in what we cannot have is what keeps us going sometimes. I hope for something that I know I will never have... sometimes with all of my heart. But, I know I am undeserving of this, so, I will never ask. It is trivial, really, I s'pose, in light of everything that goes on from day to day in our world. And, for another thing, I can't seem to keep from lying to myself. My mind will say one thing to my heart and my heart will say something completely opposite to my mind. And I tell myself that this is ok; that I am just "confused". But, I know better. Who knows you better than you? I just don't like to admit that I have a fear that is so great, and runs so deep, that it completely controls a part of me. I make myself believe it is ok. Because what is the best way to get rid of a problem? Solve it. But, in order to solve it, you need to confront it. And I am just not ready to do this. I try so hard to bury it from my mind so why in the world would I try and confront it?! Because, with a fear this great, confronting it usually means getting "outside help". And....well... sigh... I just am not ready to talk about it. So, I guess I am doing an injustice to myself by saying it will all be ok, but in truth, until I confront it, I never will truely be ok....

Well, if you are wondering why I am so grouchy, it probably has a little to do with fact that I am still at work and it is 3:30 am. :( {I have to be at a basketball game for one of the kids I babysit for at 0900. :) And then I babysit for The Read Family at 5 or so. Well, I guess I can getta litle nap in between, huh? :) } and it doesn't help that we just had 150+ Gallon fuel spill that we had to clean up. :( I was DRENCHED in fuel from swapping barrels in and out from the drain port! :S Jet fuel burns! Lol, oh well. at least we fixed it. :) So, I should really be more thankful. No one was hurt. And things could have been much worse than still being here. The worst that can happen is that we meet day crew and then go home and I shower and go straight to the game, no nap. :) But I've done more on less sleep! Like, SNOWBOARDING!! :) And horseback riding with the girls in the middle of the night when we were little girls! :) Shh! Don't tell!

I love everyone very much and miss you all to pieces! But, I hope to see you all very soon! :) You are in my prayers and dreams. Please keep me in yours as well. :) ~ Love forever, Jess

p.s. Happy Birthday Dad.