Changes

How do you begin to explain heartache? It's not just something that you can define into words. It's this feeling deep inside that says you've lost something, yet, it doesn't recognize exactly what it is that you have lost. You're just... empty. It's waking up in the morning and for 2 seconds your happy that it's a new day. And then, it slams into you like a Mac truck. There's a hole in your universe, a missing link to life. And you're unsure what to do about it. You try to reason with yourself by saying that you can do one of 2 things: a.) lock it out of your mind by making yourself so busy that you don't have time to feel the pain, or b.) embrace it, hurt and try to get by with life, taking it one day at a time. The thing is, these things can't be seperated. It's one and the same. You get by for a while only by blocking out the pain, and then, on one of those painful mornings, you realize that, the pain is a little less than every day before. And then you can start to move on. The problem is, I'm not there yet. I'm not ready for tomorrow to come, because I'm not ready to face what the morning will bring.

You can't reason with the heart. You can tell it whatever you'd like and then you can tell yourself that that is how it is going to be. But, then your heart says "I'm sorry. That's just not the way I work; that's not how it's gonna be." Cuz, you see, the heart does things for reason that reason cannot understand. You can't rationalize everything. Just like you can't decide who you love. And you can't decide if they will love you back. Sometimes, it just sneaks up on you and you don't realize it until you have already messed things up beyond the point of fixing it. And then, you're stuck with the realization that, it's all your fault, and you can't fix it. Maybe that's the thing that's the hardest to swallow. You single-handedly messed up what could possibly have been the best thing in your life and you cannot fix it; it's not up to you.

Think about it..... sucks, don't it?

So, then, how do you get by, everyday after, knowing that you've lost a piece of yourself that you'll never be able to get back? A piece of your soul bared forever, never again being able to be concealed from the harshness of the world? You do the only thing that you can do ~ trust in God. He is the only one who can truely comfort you when no one else can. He's the one who sheds tears as you do, who sits with you as you have the t.v. on, the radio blaring and a book in your hand, yet you hear none of it and go thru 167 pgs before you realize you haven't taken in a word. He's the one who whispers to respond to others when they talk to you although you are only half paying attention. He holds you while you are all alone, with no one there to comfort you, to dry your tears because no one else can. He is the only one who can really say " I understand your pain" and mean it. He's there when no one else can be. And if it weren't for Him, how would I get thru the day? :'-)

So, I am going to busy myself for a while, work a little longer, scuba more (maybe go for my rescue or Master diver), help out by volunteering around the community, go explore Japan a little more. Take more pictures and maybe even start playing soccer; join the team. I dunno. But, I am going to keep on keeping on. Because that is what my mother taught me to do. I am not a quitter and I'm not going to stop living life, even tho I really can't feel much of anything. One day food will have taste again, music will be more than noise - maybe I'll start to sing again. But, for now, I'm just going to worry about getting by. God may be on my side, but, there are only so many things you can ask for. And, since I got myself here, I think asking for much more is asking too much...