Staying Together: And Making Your Relationship Work

Ok, so, today on my way to a class that I went to, I passed by this little table with pamphlets on it. :-) ANd, any one of you who know me well, know that I have to stop and look at them! Lol! How else do I know the weird little things that I know! Like, which kind of fish has too much mercury in it to be a part of a regular diet. Or , well, just weird stuff! Lol! :-) Anyway, I passed by this one that was titled Staying Together: And Making Your Relationship Work. So, OBVIOUSLY I has to read it!! Lol! And there is some great stuff in there! And of course, the key thing is what I always tell ppl!!! COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! :-D SO, here is what I read! You tell me what you think!

INTRODUCTION
Every couple who share an important relationship have probably felt, on some occasions, that the relationship was the best part of their lives - and, on other occasions, that it was the worst. When your relationship is going well, the other parts of your life seem to work better too and, sadly, the reverse is also true.
For many of us, a successful and fulfilling relationship is well within reach - even if there have been hard times. It's largely a matter of determination and the skills needed to make it happen.
"Relationship" simply means how we relate to and connect with another person. Here, we're talking about the connection between two people who love each other.
GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ENRICH LIFE
A strong relationship stabilizes both young people and older adults, giving them a secure and solid footing for handling the rest of life's everyday challenges; it provides a friend and companion for both work and liesure; an ally for facing tough times; a trusted sexual partner; and what used to be called a "helpmeet" - someone who shares the work and decision-making of everyday life.
The first step in a rewarding relationship is enjoying the excitement and thrill of falling in love with someone who loves you back. And THAT'S THE EASY PART. At that point, your relationship has a life of its own, a kind of heady momentum that carries the two of you along as though you're on a roller coaster.
In this first phase, we commonly hope that the relationship will last. But hoping is a passive emotion - you do it while you're sitting still, with no effort on your part. Most of the couples who have parted ways started out "hoping" that their relationship would last forever.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN JUST HOPE
Hoping may put you in the right frame of mind, but without action, it's a waste of emotion. If your relationship is going to be both ENJOYABLE and ENDURING, it's going to take time, attention, work, and giving, from both of you.
How well a relationship lasts depends on many things, but most of all on the attitudes and behavior of both of you. What the two of you think and do can DESTROY the bond between you. OR, what you think and what you can do make this relationship the best part of your lives.
HOW SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS WORK
Some people seem to be able to maintain a close, enjoyable connection for years and years - even their whole lives - without much apparent effort. People say they're "made for each other," as though that says it all and the couple didn't have to do much of anything to achieve that closeness.
That may be true for a few people, but it's certainly not true for most of us. Almost always, when a relationship works it's because the two people involved have a number of factors on their side. Here are the most important ones :
> Mutual Attraction. THe couple are attatched to each other in many ways, not just one:
>> Personal Attraction. This covers sexual appeal, including such qualities as physical appearance, style of dress, posture and walk, sense of humor, even personal scent. For most people, these are the first ways we notice someone and the first ways that we decide he or she is special.
>>A Common Language. Two people find it easier to get close and stay close if they use the same emotional language. They both mean the same thing when they use words like "love", "annoyed", "friends", "unhappy", and so on. This enables them to easily understand each other's feelings, bringing a feeling of closeness.
>> Common Goals and Dreams. If she wants to make a million as an urban stockbroker and he wants a simpler life in the country, there's going to be a problem. When a couple works together toward a future they both want, a tie is formed that sees them through dry espots in their relationship.
>> Common Values. Both partners believe in roughly the same things: while they may have some differences, their values are similar when it comes to things like money, children, work, sex, home, and the roles each partner should play in the relationship. FOr instance, they both want to raise theirchildren in the religious faith one or both were brought up in, or they both want to try something different; either value is fine, as long as they both feel the same way.
>> Loyalty. In a strong relationship, each partner expects and recieves the loyalty of the other. Each feels that the other will stick through the bad times and remain an ally against whatever forces may cause trouble - unemployment, rebellious kids, health problems. Loyalty is COMMITMENT.
>> Respect. Respect is shown by allowing each other their own opinions, activities, and friends; by giving them credit for their good work and good efforts; by avoiding behaviors that are insulting and harmful. We all desire respect from others, and when we can get it in our relationship we value that relationship; when we can't, we don't.
>A Comfortable Emotional Environment. Your physical environment is where you live; your emotional environment is how you live with others. That environment can be rocky, cozy, tense, relaxed, unpredictable, even dangerous. In a strong relationship, the emotional environment usually includes:
>> Frequent Interaction. Partners don't have to have big discussions all the time in order to have good interaction. Interaction includes casual conversation about how the day went or what's in the paper; a smile or a wink even when there's nothing to say; and frequent non-sexual, casual touch - though sex counts too. All this adds up to communication, which, as we'll see, is absolutely essential.
You're in a relationship because you want interaction with another person; if it isn't there, misunderstandings occur, feelings get hurt, and trust fades.
>> Space. Space is another form of respect. When you allow your partner space to have his or her own interests and pursuits, you're saying that you see her or him as a whole and independent person. Successful couples don't do everything together; they make time for themselves and others.
>> Easing The Load. Whether we ever say it or not, we expect our partner to help with life. Relationships thrive when both partners do things for each other to make life easier - and also express their appreciation for that help. With a helper, life is more comfortable and less stressful - just the situation most of us want to stay in.
Taken as a group, these qualities help relationship endure and thrive. Not all successful partnerships have all of these factors, but relationships that are happy and fulfilling, these qualities are present in abundance.
What, then, is a successful relationship? It's the bond that exists when two people both enjoy being connected to each other; when both feel that they have respect and desicion-making power; when both can and do communicate freely; and when both desire the best for each other.
TIES THAT BIND
Some relationships are long but not happy: the partners stay because of the fear of being alone. Others stay together because of a need that only the partner can meet - a need to take care of someone, or the need to have someone else be in charge. These relationships are not based on mutual caring, but on the psychological needs of one or both of the partners.
There are also some relationships which continue not because they're so wonderful, but because the partners are tied to each other by very strong bonds. This was especially true in past centuries, but for many couples who are no longer"in love," it's still true. Some ties are these:
>> The Children. Research shows what most parents already knew: wjen parents break up, children suffer. Parents who have little else in common often remain in the relationship for the sake of the family unit and the children in particular.
>> Economic Necessity. THe couple may feel that they need to stay together, sharing their home and income. This may never be spoken out loud, but can be a powerful reason to let the relationship go on.
>> Shared History and Traditions. When a couple has been together for a while and have survived some ups and downs together, they may value that shared history enough to want to keep the relationship alive. They believe in the permanence of their bond and they choose the challenge of staying together over the quicker solution of breaking up.
While none of these reasons for staying together may seem particularly positive, the fact that a couple stays together is cause in itself for hope. It is the rare couple indeed who experience being head-over-heels "in love" for a lifetime; most of us would find it exhausting even if we had the time and energy to make it happen. Adult love relationships co-exist with work obligations, church and community activities, and/or parental responsibilities. Life demands that adults must share themselves and their partners with other commitments.
WHY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL
All relationships have the potential to fail. Some survive, negative qualities and all; and some fail terribly, causing pain and grief to all concerned. Why?
When things go wrong for a couple, it's usually because the partnership is causing bad feelings to one or both parties; or one of the partners has no feelings about the relationship at all anymore; or each partner makes the other feel worse when they're together than when they're apart.
ANGER GNAWS AT THE RELATIONSHIP
Anger plays a powerful role in the deterioration of a relationship. Couples who are constantly bickering, putting each other down, and arguing about the same things over and over are usually holding on to deep and long-lasting anger; unfortunately, their irritability and sniping don't deal with the causes of that anger, so it continues.
When people break up, the reason is often free-floating anger that overwhelms the love they've felt. Specific reasons include:
> My partner abuses me: physically, verbally, or emotionally.
>My partner betrayed me, and I can't get over that.
>I'm the only one working at this relationship.
>We never spend any time together.
> We have very different goals and values.
>We never have any fun together.
>We can't get what we want from each other.
>My partner is always criticizing me.
>My partner drinks (or uses drugs) too much and I can't stand it anymore.
These are the most common explanations; you can probably think of others as well. The interesting thing is that not all relationships go down the drain when these problems arise. Soem couples just hang in until the problems fades or is somehow solved; others let things go until they are in big trouble, on the very brink of parting, and then work to save the relationship. Still others are pro-active: talking through their feelings when they arise and working to get back the closeness they once had.
CAN THIS RELATIONSHIP BE SAVED?
When a couple hits a rough spot, it's normal to start worrying about whether the relationship will last. After all, you only need to look around you to see examples of partnerships that started out brightly and then failed miserably. And if your own past includes several broken relationships, you may wonder if that's the only kind of relationship you can have.
But people who are in very happy, long term relationships also have broken ones in their past. The fact is that most relationships can be saved - not only saved, but strengthened and improved so that both partners are happier. And a few relationships are beyond help. WHich is the case for you? Try answering the following questions. And note that there's no question about still loving or liking your partner; if the two of you are in trouble, you may be too angry and fed up to deal with that. Instead consider these:
? What attracted you to your partner in the beginning? Is that quality still there?
? Do you and your partner hold importnant things in common?
? Do you wish things could be good again?
? If your partner would change in order to bring you two closer, would you be willing to change too?
? Can you accept the fact that any relationship (this one or your next one) involves change and work and compromise?
If you answered yes to these questions, the chances are good that you and your partner are going to work things out, once you find out how. But here are three more very important questions:
?Does the problem in your relationship have to do with drinking, drugs, or physical abuse?
? If so, is the user/abuser ready to get help in eliminating the problem?
? If your partner has another lover, is he or she willing to ompletely and permanently give that up?
Substance abuse and physical abuse (such as hitting, shoving, etc) kill love and trust, and that's how they kill relationships. If one of these problems affects you, the safest thing is to leave the relationship until your partner gets help in bringing himself or herself under control.
****** No matter how dedicated you are, you will not be able to solve your partner's problem for him; trying to do so will only delay his seeking help.*****
Infidelity - having another lover - is something that couples can and do recover from. But recovery is generally not possible if the unfaithful partner is going to continue to maintain the affair. (FYI: personally for me, I don't tolerate this AT ALL!!!! That is reason for hitting the brakes ASAP!)
These are the cases in which it is maybe better for both of you to end the relationship. But, what if your problem is not clear cut? What if you're not even sure how the problem started?

Ok, well, I am TIRED so part 2 will have to come later ok! Look forward to it soon! Muah! I love you all!! And I will post a back page for the 4th! Hope everyone had a great time! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! :-D