Staying Together : Part 2!

FINDING OUT WHAT'S WRONG
To save your relationship, you need to know what the trouble is. And the place to start is inside yourself, not outside. It's often tempting to blame problems on an external situation - her work keeps her away too much, for instance, or unemployment is making you fight over money. But good relationships can endure outside events. So what's going on inside?
* Identify Your Expectations. What did you expect from your relationship that you're not getting? Many of us -especially when we're young- enter a relationship expecting that it will remain a closed and cozy circle of romance and personal excitement. When that expectation turns out to be untrue, some feel so let down and disappointed that they think the relationship is not worth the trouble.
But the next relationship is going to go through the same cycle : with time, the intensity of a new love changes. Once a couple is no longer "crazy in love", they must find something else to keep them close. what that "something else" is varies from couple to couple, but if it's not looked for and found, the relationship will founder.
*Idnetify Your Feelings. How do you feel when you think about your partner and the relationship? Some common responses: frustrated, worried, disgusted, rejected, angry, resentful, edgy. Once you can name your feelings, accept that they're there. Having bad feelings about a partner doesn't mean it's all over.
*Identify How You Express Those Feelings. Have you been keeping it all bottled up? Do you take out your unhappiness on your partner in roundabout, indirect ways? Do you just stay irritable most of the time, keeping score of past annoyances and disappointments? or, do you actively fight? Is the way you're expressing your feelings helpful to the relationship?
*Look For The Cause Of Those Feelings. As honestly as you can, try to name the things that are upsetting you. For instance, "I'm worried about this relationship because I..." or, "I'm angry because..." or "I'm upset because we..."
*Now, Share your findings. See if your partner will think about the same issues; then pick a time that's good for both of you to talk about them.
Keep your discussion limited to the things that are on your mind now; don't drag in everything that's ever bothered you about the relationship.
This isn't an opportunity to see who can point out the most aggravating or stupid mistakes or weaknesses. Start small and keep it focused on your feelings and why you are unhappy.
At this point each of you should kow what's troubling the other. Now you can think about whether to go on and try to solve the problem alone, or whether you're going to need outside help.
MAKING CONTACT
Whether you seek help or go it alone, bringing your relatinship to a better point is going to rquire good communication. And while most couples communicate intensely and beautifully early on in their relationship, the skills needed to communicate on a long-term, daily basis are harder to come by.But this is essential!! If you and your partner have agreed to try to do better together, you ay be tempted to kiss, make up, and act as though nothing's happened. Do kiss and make up, but then learn how to communicate so you can navigate the next trouble spot as partners who both want to reach understanding.
*If Your Partner Is A Man...
Men and women communicate differently. A man is often quite happy to just be together with his partner without any words being spoken. When men do communicate verbally, they like to get things said in just a few words - they want to get to the point.
If you're a woman and your partner is a man of few words, do accept the fact that while this style of communicating is not very satisfying to you, it can be effective- especially if he adds non-verbal communication such as touching and smiling. You can further improve matters by telling your partner your needs, hurts, and fears. Speak plainly and directly, and keep the focus on yourself, not on him.
*If Your Partner Is A Woman...
Women use language as an emotional expression, not just for the purpose of gaining information. You may feel that you show your partner how you feel and what you think (some men say that they show it just by being there), but you need to recognize that the message you're trying to send may not be getting through.
For really importnant messages to your female partner - messages that explain needs, disappointments, love, frustration - you need to speak the words. They can be brief, but they need to be said. To increase your chances of success, try to keep a friendly tone and keep your message focused on yourself, not on her.
* "I" Messages
It is natural for all of us to be on guard when someone starts a sentence with "You..." It's almost as thoough we expect an accusation or complaint. Communication flows much more easily if the message begins with "I". For instance, you might say, "You've been ignoring me lately," which sounds like an accusation and will make your partner defensive. Instead, you can say, "I'm feeling ignored lately..." a plain statement about yourself that allows a plain statement in return.
*No Mind-Reading
When you wish your partner would treat you a certain way, or would stop doing something, or would respond to your feelings more, and you wish this without speaking the words, you're hoping he or she will read your mind. That's not possible, and these wishes are going to remain just wishes. And, if your partner seems mad or distant and you assume you know why, you're only guessing.
Partners must tell each other what they need and what's bothering them. Anything less is a childlike belief that you can somehow see into each other's minds. That can't work, and it encourages the other partner to think, "He/she doesn't understand me."
Courtesy Counts
Whether it's using the words "please" and "thank you", not interrupting each other, asking before you take something of your partner's, or greeting each other pleasently - manners count. Courtesy smooths the interactions between you, shows respect, causes positive feelings, and encourages both of you to deal with each other on a civilized level. This friendly courtesy is for every day, not just when you're trying to get through a problem. Communication alone is not going to solve the big problems that can afflict a relationship. On the other hand, you have no chance of resolving those big problems with out it.


See? I told you communication was key! ;-) Muah! Love ya! ~ Jess